To all the people who consider themselves “ the unluckiest,” because they always seem to get themselves attracted to unavailable people, both in a general and emotional way, this chapter is for you. So, is it just our vibes or is there a true pattern of getting attracted to unavailable people? If it is a pattern and it exists, what is it all about? How to break the pattern? All of these questions will be discussed in this chapter.
ATTRACTION TOWARDS UNAVAILABLE PEOPLE :
People, who keep pitying themselves for ending up single and wondering what is wrong with them for attracting people who wouldn't want to stay in a relationship, I have got news for you. It happens and it is not because you are unlucky. It could be because you have a part of you inside, which is also not available for relationship or because you might have already made up your own assumption for “ the one “, “ideal relationship”.So when you find a potential matching your assumptions, You choose not to see the red flags and just convince yourself that your beliefs have cent per cent of a chance to work out, only to realize that your assumptions and reality don’t seem to go out well together.
WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?
Well, there are actually not just one but many reasons why you are attracted to unavailable people. Here are the reasons:
You mistake intensity for intimacy: You see someone attractive in some ways but you can’t say why you feel attracted. You feel something so strong between you and that person, though you hardly have spoken to that person. That connection that you feel towards that person, fools you into thinking that you have found your soulmate. So, you assume it as love.
Afraid of commitment: You pursue people who seem emotionally unavailable, as they have less or no expectations of commitment from you. So, you will have no worries like meeting their expectations or the obligation to give your best always.
Scared of abandonment: This is one of the main reasons too. When you want to have a relationship with an unavailable guy, your partner won't prefer to show the vulnerable version of him, which means you also need not let your guards down completely and commit yourself fully. So, even when the relationship with him fails, you won't completely lose yourself. This is the reason why people find it easier to confess their feelings to new people than to their friend ( i.e. ”when you have feelings for your friend “case. You are afraid of losing the person so you even try to hide your feelings and live with a half heart not lose your entire heart.)
When it is ways with your self-esteem: You don’t want people who want you. You prefer people who value you the least. ( the common happening thing now is begging the person who gives no damn about you and rejecting people who love you sincerely, without even thinking )
The idea of fixing someone: This case is an interesting one. You see a person who is exactly opposite to your ideal type but still, you feel that you guys can have a relationship. All it needs is just some love and efforts from your side to change him into a better person. Here, wanting to fix someone makes you believe that you have feelings for him.
The fantasy of being the special one: In movies, you would have watched how a hero who is not interested in anyone, who is self-centred when continuously bugged by the heroine, falls in love with her and how the relationship will be shown as “ one in a million”, “you have hit the jackpot” one. Here, you feel you can make the guy who is always silent and bottled up, into your lovable and “all about you “partner. “You can do it “ feelings pushes you into thinking you have feelings for him.
Missing spark: People who are genuinely interested in you, will keep putting in their efforts, will make you feel comfortable and will try to understand you and will prevent behaviours which they know can make you feel insecure. So, you constantly feel calm around them. You are taught that calmness is boring and friend-material. So, you friendzone your soulmates and keep looking out for people who can produce a spark and soon, you find your relationship meeting a dead end.
When you prefer imagination over reality: You find someone attractive, and you keep thinking of creating scenarios in your head and get happy by just living with the imaginations. You don’t mind to think if it is even possible to have in real life, you are just satisfied as long as you can imagine.
When you want to be in a relationship but not ready: When you long for love, constant cute texts, sweet gestures, comfort, stability but you are not ready to commit yourself into it completely, you go for unavailable people, just to enjoy the mere idea of a relationship.
These are some of the reasons why and how you attract unavailable people.
HOW TO BREAK THE CYCLE OF THIS UNHEALTHY ATTRACTION :
1. The first step is to find whether you have the habit of getting attracted to unavailable people: No worries, by the time you are reading this line, you would have been able to know whether you have this habit or not, as you would have read the above paragraph.
2. Question your motives: Are you looking for the emotional high of infatuation or seeking a trusting, loving, mutual relationship?
3. Re assume your ideal, the one, soulmate according to your desires and liking: For example, if you are a person who prefers loyalty and understanding the most, then look out for people who are all about characters and stop settling for looks, money and family status.
4. Work on yourself: When you work towards building your highest and best version of yourself, you increase your capacity for a mutual relationship.
5. When you feel suspicious or negative about your partner, don’t just leave it simply, see through it.
6. Likewise, don’t avoid red flags when you see them.
7. Practice self-love: When you love yourself, you will never be ready to settle for something which is not meant for you.
Read a point in a page online, which was beautifully written. I thought of sharing it. Here it is.
“When you love someone you can’t have, you may try to bury your feelings deep inside so you don’t have to deal with the hurt that the reality of the situation has caused you. It may seem easier to push down and hide these feelings of grief, disappointment, and longing that you're experiencing so that you don't have to face the pain. However, being able to work through the loss and hopelessness that you may be feeling is an important step when you’re in love with someone you can't have. For example, whether the person broke up with you, moved across the country, or is in a relationship with someone else, taking the time you need to acknowledge your feelings and dealing with your emotions are crucial parts of the process of moving on for the better.”
Step eleven's view: Getting attracted to unavailable person wrecks you emotionally and medically. It also makes you wait for someone who wouldn’t want to do the same for you. As a whole, it is a pain in the ass and total waste. So wake up, learn how to break yourself free from this self-sabotaging and give yourself a chance for a happy life.
(Point 8 in this chapter was taken from the site mentioned below )