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Fast forward.

The voices in my head have lost their words. It is quiet in here now. The baggage of all my unsaid emotions have dissolved into thin air. The mess of my thoughts have arranged themselves and they let me take a break. The tears in my eyes have finally dried up, because they no longer belonged there. The air was light with a surreal kind of peace, the kind of peace I have not experienced in a long time. It feels like a cold winter day with the company of hot chai and books. The scar left on my skin by every love I have lost had magically healed itself. I can no longer find the pain in any corner of my heart. My dear old friend, anxiety, had gone on a trip away from me. My house feels different now, it feels like home. I smell my favorite rose scent in the air, and I can hear someone playing classic tamil songs somewhere far away. This feels like my world.

I close my eyes and a moment later a thousand memories flash before my eyes, but they slipped away like sand between my fingers. There was me laughing with my friends, fast forward – there was me getting my first bike, fast forward – there was me getting into my dream college, fast forward – there was me talking to the voices in my head, fast forward – there was me screaming into the pillow, fast forward – there was me looking longingly at those sleeping pills in the pharmacy, fast forward – I see maa wailing over me, repeating “How could you do this to us?”, I get up and look on the floor only to see a replica of my own self in a pool of blood. Now I know why this peace feels surreal.

-Shruthi.

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