Happy memories hurt the most

Memories can be as sweet as chocolates and also as bitter as bitter gourds. Humans just like how we know, are full of emotions and feelings, and their hearts filled with memories of various kinds such as sad ones, happy ones, “still can’t believe” ones, “never thought I would overcome that” ones, bad ones, etc. Memories have the power to change our moods within a fraction of seconds. We can even say that we live our lives just to collect enough memories so that when we are old and grey, we can spend our lives peacefully just by reminiscing about them. Just think, travelling around the world, capturing all good incidents are usually done, not just to feel the present but also to reminisce about them later on. The memories which we created with people, would push us into nostalgia and make us miss them when they leave. Here, in this chapter, we will be seeing how good memories bring tears to someone’s eyes and how we can learn to smile instead of crying. “You never know when people you adore will disappear from your life. So, cherish them, love them and fill them with the warmth of your love!” - By Diksha (your quote app writer)

( Image of me and grandma 20 years ago )

My first loss since the time I was born is my grandma's death. It was on February 14th, 2020. She didn’t marry anyone. Her dad and mom died when she was young. She was a teacher back then; she used to be there in her house, in a place called Srivilliputhur, Tamilnadu. She literally had none except her sister’s( whom I call as my Amma chi ) family, which is us. I remember the calls from her. She would call just to ask if I ate, how am I. She would see the weather forecast on TV and would tell me to stay safe since I was living in a college hostel in a different city. Every day, she would call me and question me about my well-being. It would thrill her when, we as a family, go visit her at her place. She would tell everyone in her street that we have come and she would treat us with delicious food and buy us gifts that are available in her place. As it’s a village, the facilities are not the same as in cities, especially the food. So my sister and I, would sometimes hesitate to go there and ask her to come to our house instead. She took care of us well. She would massage my leg when I say it’s painful. She would tell me stories when I say I couldn’t sleep. Whenever she sees any new biscuits or snacks or cosmetics in the nearby shops, she would store it in her bag and give us when she visits, and sometimes the things would all have gotten expired as well. But that tendency to store things for us and give reflects pure love. For internship purpose, I went abroad. Suddenly, I received a call from my house saying she passed away. I couldn’t go back. In a video call, I just saw her lying inside a coffin, and all that I could do was cry and cry and cry. I didn’t see her, touch her, and I wasn’t there for her that time and I won’t be able to be with her or hear her voice. Those things just killed me on the inside. My mom told me she was asking for me during her last moments. Right at that time, Covid-19 issues came and all the flight services got cancelled. I just got stuck there with a heavy heart and disturbing feelings. Those days were the hardest. Thank God, then I got a rescue flight and came home, by the end of June 2020. Still, whenever I see the room in which she was, the last few months, it would break my heart. Later, we read her diary. She had written how depressed and lonely she was and how much she missed her mom each day. At the bottom of each page, she always wrote about us, since we were the only family she had got. In each page of the diary, she had written how lonely she felt. After reading that, we felt so bad and dumb for not realizing how she had been feeling inside every day. She has done too many things for our family. Whenever I feel I miss her, the happy memories only remind me more of her and hurt me too much. She was a lovable and caring person and almost all of her memories are happy memories, but they hit hard right through my heart. There are two kinds of memories: the good ones and the bad ones. Bad ones hurt us instantly, which then would become an element of laughter when we look back. Good ones, sometimes lift up your mood, but sometimes let your tears roll down your cheeks reminding that the moments of memories cant be experienced anymore. So, what to do when even the happy memories, become the very thing that hurt? Can we live a life by not collecting memories? No, we can’t do that. But what we can do is, instead of avoiding, we can try to go through them and be grateful for those good memories, as, without them, our lives would have been less happier and complete.  “Your memory is the glue that binds your life together; everything you are today is because of your amazing memory. You are a data collecting being, and your memory is where your life is lived.”- Kevin Horsley. Step five’s view: No man can live without having memories. Good or bad, it is a part of our soul and lives, we can’t delete them but we can be grateful for them. Be glad for all the memories as those are the proof that we lived a life which is worth living. Certainly, the loss of someone can never be forgotten, but as time goes by, we can learn to live along with their memories, if at-least not with their presence.